How we talk to ourselves matters. Repetitive, negative self-talk limits what we consider possible for ourselves, shapes what we will and won’t try, and impacts our behavior. It holds us back from our potential. And the more we think a negative thought (I’m not, I can’t, I don’t deserve…), the more real estate our brains give to that kind of thinking. It’s like a snowball, rolling down a hill, gathering more snow.
The good news: you aren’t stuck with those patterns. You can change them with effort. I call it “thought work.” It starts with the understanding that the brain is not fixed; it will reorganize for whatever demands more attention. When you learn and practice a new skill, your brain must conduct itself differently—rewiring your wiring. Similarly, the more you practice a new habit, the more real estate it takes up in your brain (which is why bad habits can be so hard to break).
You can leverage this brain plasticity to adjust the tenor of your self-talk. Here’s how:
1️⃣ Observe your self-talk for a day. Note common phrases and when they arise.
2️⃣ Identify a pattern that you want to change.
3️⃣ Set a goal (I want to shift from talking down about my leadership skills to celebrating my efforts to be a courageous leader.)
4️⃣ Put meaningful effort into making that adjustment whenever you notice the negative thought cycle emerge.
5️⃣ Repeat that effort over and over again.
6️⃣ Stay committed to your goal. Brain changes may be reversed if retraining is stopped.
I’ll give you an example. Working with my own coach, I discovered that I had a surprising amount of negative self-talk about my skills as a mother. I was completely unaware of how frequently I was berating myself; it had become a sneaky background audio track. Once I became aware, I decided to intentionally cheerlead myself whenever I had a proud moment with my kids (“Look at you being a fantastic mother!” Sounds cheesy, I know, but it’s like a warm bath every time I say it.). This helped me to balance the negative thoughts with positive ones, and I discovered that I was grossly over-fixated on my perceived shortcomings. I also worked on replacing my negative thoughts with positive ones when they arose.
It’s human to critique oneself, and I likely will not completely eradicate that negative line of thinking. But my thought work has significantly shifted my feelings about myself as a mother. And, I will stay committed to this course because I don’t want that old pattern to re-emerge.
Thought work isn’t voodoo—it’s neuroscience. And, you can use this practice to create a kinder inner dialogue that champions you and propels you forward, positively. To quote Marianne Williamson, “We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?”